Please Stop Punishing Your Kid for Bad Grades
Parent to Parent, I'd like to make an emotional appeal to you. Please stop punishing your child for poor grades. In the long run, you are not doing the child any favors, and you may be doing more harm than good. Continue reading to find out why!
What should you do if your child brings home a failing grade? If your first reaction is to take away their phone, toys, or after-school activities, you should reconsider your strategy. Let's start with why it's unreasonable to expect perfect grades from your children in the first place, and then we'll talk about how these punishments cause more harm than good.
Please refrain from punishing your child for poor grades.
What should you do if your child brings home a failing grade? If your first reaction is to take away their phone, toys, or after-school activities, you should reconsider your strategy. Let's start with why it's unreasonable to expect perfect grades from your children in the first place, and then we'll talk about how these punishments cause more harm than good.
You are not perfect, so why should your children be?
Tell me, have you mastered all of the subjects you learned in school? Are you a math prodigy, a best-selling author, a historian, a scientist, a gymnast, a linguist, a woodworker, a welder, or a baker/chef/seamstress?
No, seriously, are you? If that's the case, congratulations! That is a significant accomplishment!
Don't feel bad if you answered no. After all, only a few people have a half-dozen degrees! However, I want you to consider this: if you haven't mastered every subject as an adult, why should you expect your children to do so before they're even old enough to drive? Expecting perfection from children when we are not perfect ourselves is simply unreasonable.
When you punish your children for poor grades, what message are you sending them?
I'd like you to consider another scenario. Assume that someone close to you (your mother, father, spouse, or best friend) has asked you to throw a party for them and bake the cake. You tell them you're not entirely confident in your baking abilities, but they tell you to "just do your best!"
So you spend hours upon hours looking for the perfect cake and reading up on how to make it. Then you really focus on creating something spectacular. The end result isn't exactly what you were hoping for. In fact, it's "below average" in terms of cakes. Still, you know you gave it you’re all!
Besides, you're getting an A+ for the delectable buffet spread, decorations, music, and gifts! You also purchased some delicious cupcakes from a local bakery for "extra credit" to compensate for the less-than-perfect cake.
Your guest of honor arrives on the day of the party and takes a look around. She gushes over the decorations, sheds tears of joy over the gifts, and gives you a big high five for your music selections. Then she moves on to the cake. “This isn't going to work,” she says. “It's dreadful! How could you possibly mess up the cake?”
"I really tried!" you tell her. I gave it my all! I even got some extra credit!” She responds, "Your best isn't good enough," and then takes your phone and kicks you out of the party. To make matters worse, she expects you to come home after work and spend every waking hour learning how to make cakes for the next month. Tell me how you feel about it. Isn't that the case? After all, you gave it you’re all! Hearing that it wasn't good enough hurts you to your core, especially when everything else about the party was perfect.
That is how your children feel when you punish them for poor academic performance.
What if I know they didn't give it they’re all?
Those children, of course, should not be punished! But what about my child? I know he's not even trying!”
First, ask yourself if you are absolutely certain that he is not putting forth his best effort. Trying his best, you see, is more than just hitting the books and studying for hours before each test. For some children, this means struggling to pay attention to a subject that they don't fully understand and/or aren't interested in.
Try another exercise for me before you say, "Well, too bad if he doesn't find math interesting; he needs to focus more, learn it, and do well." Grab the most boring book you can find (a list of contenders can be found on GoodReads), then sit perfectly upright in the most uncomfortable chair you can find for 45 minutes and focus solely on the novel. Turn the heat up just a little too high or down just a little too low for good measure. Tell me how easy it is to concentrate on something you have no interest or understanding in.
“No, he's not giving it his all. In fact, he's ignoring his homework and winging it on his tests because he doesn't care if he does well,” you say. Now we're getting somewhere. Yes, there is a problem that must be addressed. Taking away his after-school activities and locking him in his room every day with nothing but his schoolbooks, on the other hand, is not the solution.
First, those after-school sports provide a wealth of benefits that are just as important as learning math and writing skills, so "grounding" your child from their sports actually detracts from their overall educational experience.
Simply ask your child, "What do you think you need to better connect with the material and raise your grade?" Then proceed with their response. If they can't figure out what will help them, you can come up with some other suggestions.
Here are some examples:
Hiring a fantastic and engaging tutor. An engaging tutor is essential, as a dry and boring tutor will not help them.
Present the material in a novel manner. Some children are visual learners, others are hands-on, and still, others learn by doing. Each of your child's teachers is a single person. They won't be able to teach to every learning style, so supplement at home with educational YouTube channels or hands-on experiments.
Set boundaries rather than administering punishments. Set up a study schedule instead of taking away your child's favorite things for a bad grade. They have to do schoolwork for a certain amount of time, then they have the rest of the night to themselves. Of course, after other obligations, such as sports or family dinner.
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