Forcing Kids to Give Hugs Against Their Will Sends a Very Dangerous Message
If you make your children show affection to every aunt, uncle, cousin, or grandparent at family gatherings, you might want to take a seat. We'll discuss how forcing children to give hugs against their will sends a very dangerous message. I know it's an uncomfortable subject to bring up, but it's one that must be addressed. Continue reading to find out why it's such a bad idea and what your children can do instead of giving out unwanted embraces.
Most of us were raised to embrace and kiss strangers at every holiday party, reunion, and family dinner. Sure, we didn't want to hug great Aunt Petunia, who smelled like pickles all the time.
We certainly didn't want to hug Random Roger, our grandparents' friend who appeared like magic at every event, only to vanish into the woodwork once dessert was served. We barely knew these people, but they were "family," so they got hugs whether they liked it or not.
So why should we expect things to be any different with our own children? Why shouldn't they be forced to embrace Random Roger and Petunia Pickles? So, as I mentioned when we discussed banning homework, we know better and should do better. To understand why forcing children to give hugs against their will sends a very dangerous message, we must discuss another lesson that we constantly try to instill in our children- the concept of cooperation.
We begin teaching our children about consent and body autonomy as soon as they can understand us. We tell them that their bodies belong to them. We explain that no one should touch them against their will, particularly in places or ways that make them feel uneasy. We then make them hug Aunt Petunia and Random Roger.
Yes, we are familiar with these individuals. We are at ease with them. We feel confident that our children are in good hands with them. As a result, we never imagine that something so simple, something we did a million times as children, could undo so much hard work or send such a dangerous message. Simply put, we don't think like children, who are more capable of detecting hypocrisy than adults.
You see it as a familial obligation, but your children see it differently.
You see those forced hugs as a part of life, as politeness, as a brief moment of mild discomfort that ends before it even begins. Your child recognizes it for what it is: an oxymoron, a term contradiction. You're saying to them, "Yes, you have autonomy over your body... Unless we're at a family gathering, in which case your entire body is fair game.”
This is where things start to get really uncomfortable. According to Darkness to Light, 60 percent of abused children are abused by someone the family trusts. Approximately half of those trusted individuals are family members.
I don't think I need to explain why forcing children to hug family members against their will sends a dangerous message, but I will just in case. When a family member is involved, you are telling your child that they do not have autonomy over their body. In other words, if Roger or Petunia turns out to be a predator, young children will not try to stop them because they have already been taught that their bodies are not their own when it comes to family members.
According to Karen Days, President of Nationwide Children's Hospital's Center for Family Safety and Healing, "forcing children to endure affection teaches them a dangerous lesson that people they know can always touch them." It is unreasonable to expect a preschooler to distinguish between a forced hug and other forms of forced touching. It is our responsibility as parents to advocate for them.
How to navigate family gatherings while still respecting your child
If your child rejects Aunt Petunia's open arms, simply explain, "We're teaching her that she has the right to choose what happens to her own body, and that includes hugs." Allow her some time to get to know you.” It's as simple as that. Allow anyone to object if they so desire. Ignore if they roll their eyes or tell you that you're coddling her. If they say you're "too soft," respond with a "thank you!" After all, being a kind, gentle, and "soft" parent is a good thing! Isn't it worth a minor squabble with a family member to avoid sending the wrong message to our children?
If you're worried about offending someone, Michigan State University has some great advice to help you avoid the embarrassment. Here are a few examples:
Talk to your family members ahead of time. Inform them that your child is going through a shy phase and does not like to give out hugs, and that you are uncomfortable forcing them to.
Talk to your children on a regular basis about family members they don't see very often so they can become more comfortable with the idea of them. Display photographs to them. Tell them a story. Set up monthly video chats to allow them to connect across the miles.
Teach your children that there are alternatives to hugging, such as shaking hands, offering hand picked flowers, or simply waving. However, whatever you decide, make sure they are happy with it.
The lesson is the same whether you have a son, a daughter, or both. Forcing children to hug against their will sends a very dangerous message. In the end, don't do it. Aunt Petunia will recover from the slight. Your children, on the other hand, might never forget the lesson it teaches.
The lesson is the same whether you have a son, a daughter, or both. Forcing children to hug against their will sends a very dangerous message. In the end, don't do it. Aunt Petunia will recover from the slight. Your children, on the other hand, might never forget the lesson it teaches.
Comments